Recent Articles
Caroline Kennedy is Not Princess Leia
Dec 19, 2008 Media 4 Comments
Not a Skywalker
Readers Digest titled a column written by Carl M. Cannon, “Caroline Kennedy As America’s Princess Leia.” Being a medium-level Star Wars fan (not a fanboy, I repeat, not a fanboy), I was intrigued by the title. How is Caroline Kennedy like Princess Leia? Is she a feisty woman who can stick up for herself? Does she have amazing accuracy with a gun? Is she a rebel attempting to transport secret space station plans? Did she boink Harrison Ford? No, according to Cannon. The only mention of a Kennedy-Leia comparison is a short tag at the end of his faux-biographical piece:
John [F. Kennedy] did not survive that summer, his death being yet another cruel blow to his only sibling, sister Caroline. I was reminded recently of a fateful scene in Star Wars—the movie, not the nuclear defense shield. Yoda, the Jedi master, is ruminating with Obi-Wan Kenobi about young Luke Skywalker, another Crown Prince whose enthusiasms as a pilot sometimes outweigh his good judgment—and who has a sister of his own.
“Reckless is he,” says Yoda. “Now, matters are worse.”
“That boy is our last hope,” says Obi-Wan.
“No,” replies Yoda. “There is another.”
That is a horrible analogy. There’s actually more than one bad analogy. I think it’s pretty obvious that Luke Skywalker is nothing like JFK. You know what I’m talking about, right? I would give you a funny hint, but that’s just too morbid. The real bad analogy is Cannon suggesting that Caroline Kennedy is the one that can save us all from evil. That’s only believable if Cannon was able to tell why Kennedy is the one, but he doesn’t. Nowhere in his essay does he discuss Kennedy’s policy stances and political achievments. He just waxes about the Kennedy name and how her candidacy for Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat brings back the memories of Camelot. Carl M. Cannon, you wasted my time with an empty essay with a stupid analogy. You’re an idiot.
Reader’s Digest: Caroline Kennedy As America’s Princess Leia
Derek Kieper Knew What He Was Doing
Dec 18, 2008 Everyday People, Historical 5 Comments
Derek Kieper was one of those idiots that rejected seat-belt laws. As a college student at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, he wrote an opinion piece arguing why everybody should join him in rejecting seat-belt laws. For one, he complained how much states were spending in enforcing the law. However, Kieper left out how much the state gets back in fines. He also mockingly pointed out the low number of lives saved due to seat-belt enforcement: “But the kicker is this: It is estimated, by researchers for Congress, that only 6,100 lives are saved per year because of new seat belt wearers.” Only? ONLY? Derek Kieper was either Death himself or was a real asshole. “Pssh…6,100 lives saved. We shouldn’t spend a single dime on these losers.”
Kieper was a victim of his own idiocy. In 2005, the Ford Explorer Kieper was riding in flew off an icy road and he was ejected from the SUV. He died. The drive and another passenger wore seat belts and sustained non-life threatening injuries. Libertarianism is based on the idea that people can make rational decisions on their own. Well, wake up. People are seldomly rational. Look at Dr. Phil. This guy is doling out “common sense” and millions watch him to find out how to wipe their ass. I’ve also heard people, whom I will call assholes, say that people stupid enough not to wear a seat belt deserve to die anyway–a survival of the smartest, if you will. Hey, I don’t like idiots, but I’m not an douchbag monster either. Kieper should be alive right now and enjoying the holidays with his friends and family.
Joshua Wendall Blackburn
Dec 17, 2008 Politics & Government Leave a comment
Almost as funny as Super Troopers
Here’s a tip: when you’re going to steal 3 duffel bags of cocaine from the evidence locker, make sure you’re not the only one there. Josh Blackburn, a California Highway Patrol officer, stole about $1 million worth of cocaine while his fellow officers were responding to a call. Blackburn later admitted to stealing the coke after investigators quickly figured out he was the only guy around to steal it. This poor bastard got 5 years in prison, which is good news since the prosecutor wanted 12 years. Joshua Blackburn, you’re an idiot.
Orange County Register: CHP officer sentenced for stealing $1 million in cocaine
Idiots Name Son Adolf Hitler
Dec 16, 2008 Everyday People Leave a comment
Heath and Deborah Campbell are shocked and appalled that their son’s name, Adolf Hitler Campbell, causes controversy. These idiots are complaining about not being able to get a birthday cake with their son’s name on it. The father, Heath, had this gem:
“They’re just names, you know,” he said. “Yeah, they (Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They’re not going to grow up like that.”
“Other kids get their cake. I get a hard time,” he said. “It’s not fair to my children.
“How can a name be offensive?” he asked.
Either this guy is completely oblivious or he’s aiming for a lawsuit against others for discrimination. He must be really desperate for settlement money because he also named one of their daughter’s “JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell.” Another girl is named “Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell,” which I assume is a misspelling of Himmler. Heath and Debroah Campbell? You’re racist idiots.
LehighValleyLive.com: Holland Township man names son after Adolf Hitler
“I’m Not a Scientist, But I am an Idiot”
Dec 15, 2008 Politics & Government Leave a comment
“Do we need to seize five computers in a suspect’s house or could we use a simple tool to preview on site and identify there’s that one email we are looking for and we can then use that and interview the person now, rather then waiting six to 12 months for the evidence to come back to us?
“For example, look at breathalysers - I am not a scientist, I could not do a chemical test on somebody when they are arrested for drink driving but I have a tool that tells me when to bring somebody in.”
You don’t have to be a scientist to search for files on a computer. Looking for an email? It’s called using the search function, idiot. Also, I don’t know how they do it in the UK, but in the US, I doubt a cop can just search a person’s hard drive without seizing it first. So the idea of cops coming into my house and searching for evidence on unseized computers with a scanner? Sounds very unconstitutional.
Kari Apodaca is a Vague Idiot
Dec 12, 2008 Everyday People Leave a comment
The letters to the editor sections in newspapers are great sources of idiots who have not idea what they’re talking about. For example, take Kari Apodaca’s letter to the Orange County Register where she opines about Barack Obama’s economic promises. Her letter is filled with vague claims, empty proposals, and self-contradictions.
It took a few years to create this economic mess, and it will most likely take many more years to get rid of it. Some of President-elect Barack Obama’s promises have already begun to crumble. He has changed some previous tax promises and will most likely just dramatically increase taxes. Obama has admitted that the changes he has promised may not happen quickly. He says it may take more than a year, a whole term or even a few terms. So will there be a lot of changes with Obama?
Apodaca argues that the economic will take years to fix, but criticizes Obama for saying it may take a while to get changes to happen. Apodaca also throws out vague criticisms for Obama’s tax plan without any concrete examples. What changes has Obama made to his tax proposal? How is he dramatically increasing taxes? The last time I heard about his tax plan was that he might just wait for the Bush tax cuts to expire in 2010. And when it expires, Obama will most likely implement his tax plan that will result in an aggregate tax decrease.
U.S. infrastructure spending is not wise at this time. This kind of spending takes a lot of time and planning – and it requires a lot of money. Obama would acquire this money through higher taxes. This would most likely just be a waste of money and time that would put us in a worse situation. We need to first fix this situation and put money toward other things.
Apodaca contridicts herself again by saying spending is bad because it requires higher taxes (not always) and then she says we should still spend for…”other things.” What things, Kari? Whoopee cushions? And what’s so bad about infrastructure spending? Does Apodaca even know what infrastructure means? Building and improving roads, freeways, schools, airports, telecommunications, and water treatment plants are good investments for the nation’s expanding future. One Pew Research Center study projects the U.S. population to increase by 135 million people in the next 50 years. Infrastructure projects are “win-win-win,” says former Clinton Secretary of Labor and general cool guy, Robert Reich. Renewing infrastructure injects demand into the economy, it creates jobs, and brings America’s infrastructure prepared for the 21st century.
The United States has had a rough time with the economy before and has recovered. We need to remain united and work together to fix this mess. Hopefully, we will learn from our mistakes and do things that will prevent another future economic breakdown.
Yes, let’s remain and work together….on what? And I agree that we should do things to prevent another recession. What things? Kari Apodaca of Placentia, CA, you’re an idiot.
American Auto Executives
Dec 11, 2008 Business Leave a comment
When you need to hold more than 5 idiots at once
General Motors and Chrysler are on the verge of running out of cash. Ford is faring a little better. While these idiot companies are begging for a $14 billion bailout, the Senate is giving the finger. It amazes me how idiotic these American auto execs have been for the past few years. Between the crappy quality, bad designs, gas guzzlers, and fellating the greedy workers unions, I really can’t find any good aspects of American car companies. Dealerships are so desperate to sell their inventory, they might as well give their cars away.
I used to own a Ford Focus. Instead of real brake pads, Ford installed the cheapest pads ever. Fred Flintstone’s feet were more reliable than Ford’s brakes. Ford eventually settled a class action lawsuit involving these brakes. Meanwhile, the geniuses at GM approved the production of the H2 and H3 for those who wanted to show off their a-holeness and savor an average of 10 miles per gallon. GM in June was considering dropping the line. A little too late, you think? Yet, nothing has been done with the Hummer or with any of the 13 worldwide crap brands. Chrysler isn’t as dumb as GM. They’re just boring as they are unreliable. The most unreliable 2009 car, according to Consumer Reports, is the Chrysler Sebring. This piece of junk rips off consumers for $20,515 and that’s only starting price.
I hope the Japanese are laughing at us because they should. Honda and Toyota are consistently at the top of reliability ratings. Foriegn companies are dominating the best TCO (True Cost of Own) list, which means these cars have the lowest total ownership cost. Even Mazda and Honda pwned the truck categories. I think it’s time for Japanese car companies to take over our factories and get rid of the monkies in charge. American auto execs, you’re idiots.
Franz Reichelt
Dec 10, 2008 Historical Leave a comment
Wikipedia calls his death in 1912 “accidental.” I call it idiotic. There was nothing accidental about it. Franz 
Reichelt ensured nothing would save him in case his homemade experimental parachute failed. Instead of testing it with…oh…I don’t know…a rock or a dummy, he tested using himself. And instead of putting something down to soften his fall, he wanted to land on hard ground. Very hard ground. The only smart decision he made was allowing people to film his jump and fatal landing. I think people had a feeling that this idiotic event deserved to be perserved as a warning to any other amatuer parachute makers. Somebody even measured how deep the imprint his body made into the ground. It looks like Franz was even afraid to jump, but he did it anyway. Pride can be a dangerous thing. What an idiot.
Plaxico Burress Shoots Himself
Dec 10, 2008 Sports Leave a comment
Dude, where's my gun?
I don’t have a problem with owning guns, but there’s no reason to bring a gun to a club. And there’s definitely no reason to conceal your gun with the safety off…especially if it’s in your pants Yet, idiot Plaxico Burress did exactly that. Of course, the gun went off because God has a sense of humor (that’s a scientific fact). Burress, a $25 million contracted player, is now unavailable to play as star wide receiver for the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants. Oh yeah, the Giants faced just their 2nd loss this season this past Sunday against the Philadelphia Eagles. God is sure funny.
Long Island Wal-Mart Shoppers
Dec 10, 2008 Everyday People Leave a comment
This is old news, but I especially wanted to point out Long Island Wal-Mart shoppers for being idiots and trampling a Wal-Mart employee to death on Black Friday. The only times trampling take place in the world are at religious events and soccer games. I can somewhat understand the fervor of God freaks and soccer hooligans, but to run over and kill somebody just because you want some cheap slacks and TVs? Only in America.